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We Wanted A Baby, But Got An Angel


Last Thursday we laid our sweet Hunter to rest. It was a beautiful service. The service began with a prayer and then our nieces and nephews got up and sang, “I Am A Child Of God”.  I couldn’t help but smile as all of Hunter’s cousin stood by him and sang their little hearts out. I could feel Hunter’s presence and I’m sure he was up there singing with them. Nate’s father then stood and gave a beautiful talk. He talked about how this experience has brought us closer together as a family and closer to our Savior. He said that we did not have to be sad for Hunter because he is in a wonderful place. I wish I could remember more details about what he said, but I was pretty emotional. I just remember that I loved everything he said. Nate then stood and dedicated the grave for our son. Tears rolled down my cheeks as Hunter was then lowered into the ground.
My heart ached when I saw the small box sitting in the dirt. I wanted to pull him back up and cradle him in my arms. I wanted to kiss his sweet face and tell him I loved him. I know that his spirit had left his body, but for the past four and a half months his body had grown inside of mine. I had felt him move and I had seen my body change as his body grew. I had once been so nervous about my stomach growing and stretching to provide room for him, but I now felt my empty stomach and felt sick. I missed him. I wanted my baby bump back. I wanted him to still be growing inside of me. I wish my body had been the safe and nourishing place it was supposed to be.
As the service ended Nate and I stood up and walked over to the table that held Hunter’s picture and a vase of flowers. I pulled a flower from the vase and then asked all of the children to come up to get a flower to give to Hunter. All of the kids came to the table and waited patiently to get their flowers. They walked over to the grave and threw their flowers in with Hunter. It was incredibly touching to see such normally active children look somberly at the small box as they dropped their flowers in. Several of them wiped tears from their eyes as they stepped away. I could feel Hunter smiling as his cousins surrounded him.
Leaving the cemetery was especially hard for me. Nate helped me into the car and I began crying uncontrollably as I looked back at Hunter’s grave. I wanted to jump out of the car and run back to him. I didn’t want to leave him, but then I thought to myself that Hunter is still with me. His body is in the ground, but his spirit was with me. I could feel it. I think he was staying nearby to make it easier for Nate and I.
The rest of the day was spent enjoying the company of our family. The kids played football in the cul-de-sac with Nate and our dogs. As they ran around squealing with joy, I imagined another little boy out there with them running and playing with them. I think Hunter was out there with them.
All of the nieces and nephews have a tradition of tying Uncle Nate up when we get together. They used ropes and caution tape to tie Nate up to a tree in Nate’s parents front yard. They all giggled and laughed uncontrollably as they tied his shoelaces together and made sure that he was unable to escape. Nate told our nephew Jeremy that he had really improved his knot tying skills. Jeremy looked at him and said, “Hunter is inspiring me with knots.” When Nate told me this on our car ride home I couldn’t help but smile and tear up. We have a very playful angel boy on our hands if he is already helping his cousins tie his daddy to the tree.
I still wish more than anything that our sweet babies were still with us. I don’t think a day will ever pass that I won’t think about my two angel babies and wish that they were both snuggled safely in my arms. How wonderful that would be. I dream of the day when I go to Heaven and have two sweet spirits waiting for me with open arms. Until then, I have two sweet spirits watching over me.  They each hold a piece of my heart. I am so grateful that even though we said goodbye to our little ones, it will never really be goodbye. They will forever live in my heart and I will make sure they are never forgotten. 








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