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It's A Beautiful Life


Every morning when I wake up, there is a brief moment when my mind is completely empty. Then every memory from the past two weeks comes rushing back and I feel sick. I wish I could just go back in time. Back to when I was pregnant and excited about the arrival of our baby. I want to go back to planning the nursery and writing down baby names. I want to go back to the nights when Nate would put his mouth next to my belly and say, “hi baby, it’s daddy. Your mommy and I love you so much and can’t wait to meet you.” What I wouldn’t give to have just one more day.
It is crazy how life changes in a single moment. One moment I was lying in bed watching a movie and the next moment my water is breaking and all I can think is, “please let my baby be ok.” I can’t tell you how many prayers I said begging Heavenly Father for a miracle. I have never prayed so hard in my life. Some would say that Heavenly Father didn’t answer my prayer and that I didn’t get a miracle. I would have to strongly disagree.
Although this is the hardest trial I have ever had, I am happy. I am happy because Heavenly Father answered my prayer. My baby is more then ok. Every day after my water broke I was so worried. The doctor let us know that Hunter’s chances of living were extremely slim. If he did live the chance of him having physical deformities/disabilities and respiratory issues were great. I knew I would love Hunter regardless of any disabilities, but I worried about the quality of his life. Would he spend his whole life unable to care for himself? Would he have to depend on others to do even the simplest tasks? Would he be in pain every day for his whole life? Would he be happy?
I no longer worry about Hunter. I don’t cry anymore about the thought of my baby suffering. Now I cry because my baby is in Heaven. It is sad for me, but at least I know that Hunter is not in pain. I bet he is running and jumping around up in Heaven. Although I am sad that he is not with me, I am grateful that my little boy will never be in pain. He will never know the pain or sorrow of this world. He will never be bullied or have his heart broken. He will only know love.
I came across a photo and it brought me to tears. It is a photo of a young boy on the Savior’s lap. The boy almost looks sad, but the Savior is looking at him with love and compassion. I imagine that the young boy is Hunter and he is sad because he has just asked the Savior why he cannot be with us. I then imagine Christ telling Hunter about the wonderful plan He has for him and that he will be with us soon. When I am sad about not being able to hold my sweet Hunter again in this life, I just think of him being in the loving arms of the Savior. One day he will be in my arms again and I will hold him and tell him how much I love him. Until then I know he is safe.
As I have knelt in prayer over the past two weeks, I have asked for peace, strength, and comfort. I have felt my heart slowly begin to start healing. I have been smiling more and crying less. Occasionally I feel a sweet feeling of bliss and I know Hunter is with me. I feel him with me as I watch the sunset and as I see the colors of fall. This really is a beautiful life even with all of these trials. As my mom said, “we wouldn’t know the sweet without the bitter.” The bitter times in life make us truly appreciate the good times. If I could change the past, I would. However, I cannot change the past, but I can look forward to all of the beautiful things that the future has to offer. 

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