You
see me and I smile. You ask me how I am and I put on a brave face and tell you
I am well, even if I’m not. A part of me wishes that I could show you a glimpse
of the pain and love I feel, just so you could understand why I will never
“get over it”. You would see memories that I play and replay, forever wondering if
there was something I could have done to change the outcome-If there was something
I could have done to save the lives of my children. If you could have a moment
in my shoes, you would feel the aching of my empty arms and the overwhelming
sorrow that I feel everyday, being the mom to four angels.
If I could give you a peek into my life, you would feel the pain
and disbelief as I remember the day I found out I was having a miscarriage for
the first time. You would see my second pregnancy come to a devastating end at
nineteen weeks and the day I gently placed my son in a casket, kissed his head
and slowly closed the lid, knowing that was the last time I would see his
perfect face. You would feel the panic I felt the day I went to the restroom,
days after finding out I was pregnant with our third, only to see blood. You
would see my husband and I sitting in a dimly lit ultrasound room during our
fourth pregnancy with tears streaming down our faces as we were told the little
girl we were expecting no longer had a heartbeat. You would feel my undying
love for the children I will hold forever in my heart.
I know so many of you are hurting because
you hold your children in your heart instead of your arms. It is beautiful how much a
mother can love, even if she only carries her child for a matter of weeks. The
length of a pregnancy in no way indicates the strength or depth of a mother's
love. I wish
this concept was something more people understood. Losing a child is a
heartbreak that words cannot adequately express and it's not something that one
can just "move on" from.
I will grieve for as long as a live. At first
I hated this fact, but as time goes on, I have come to view grief as a
cherished and old friend. Grief is not weakness and it is nothing to be ashamed
of. It has become a driving force in my life to honor the memories of my
angels. I may cry, but I am not weak. I might fall, but I always get up. The
grief I feel from the loss of my children is evidence that I loved, and that I
loved deeply. I will not apologize for that. I am and always will be a grieving
mother.
beautifully said.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your words have helped me so much in my own journey.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your words have helped me so much in my own journey.
ReplyDelete