Wednesday June 22nd
My heart sank as I watched the
ultrasound screen. I could tell something was wrong. When I had a 13-week
ultrasound with Hunter, he was flipping around and kicking like crazy. He moved
so much it was hard to get a clear photo of him. This time our little girl was
completely still. Maybe she was asleep. Please, just let her be asleep. I tried
to look for the flicker of her heartbeat, yet I couldn’t see anything. The
ultrasound tech got a measurement and she was measuring a little small. I could
feel my chest tightening and I could hear the sound of my own heartbeat
pounding in my ears. I prayed our baby girl would move, but she stayed
still. The ultrasound tech looked at me
and softly said she was going to go get the doctor. I knew what that meant and
it wasn’t good. The doctor came into the room and confirmed I was having another miscarriage. The room felt like it was spinning. I prayed frantically, begging God to not let this be true. Please just let this be a bad dream. Please
let her wake up. Please don’t take her from us. Please, please, please…
I couldn’t understand how this
could be happening. We did genetic testing and everything came back low risk.
We had ultrasounds frequently to monitor her progress and everything had been
perfect so far. I had been suffering from morning sickness for the past two
months and had been happy about it because everyone says that morning sickness
is a good sign. I was on progesterone to help prevent miscarriage and I had
been so careful about all of my activities because I didn’t want anything to hurt
this pregnancy. I wasn’t having any bleeding or cramping and none of this made
sense to me. How could this be happening to us again? Everything had been
perfect. I had boxes of baby girl clothes from my sister and we had just
announced to everyone that I was pregnant. We had done announcement photos and gender
reveal photos with one of our close friends and had a blast blowing glitter
everywhere. Everything had changed so quickly...
Fast Forward
Wednesday marked two weeks since
we found out that we lost our baby girl. I carried her for another week before
having a D&C after being unable to miscarry naturally. It is a sobering
experience to carry a child that you know is no longer thriving. I was anxious
to move forward and to begin healing, but I was also trying to cherish this
extra time I had carrying the daughter that I would never meet. I wanted to
make sure that once this was all over, I would have no regrets. So, I loved her
as much as I could with the time we had left. Since the day I found out I was
pregnant we knew this could happen at any point. I promised to treasure every
moment carrying this sweet child that we were blessed with. I would even
treasure the moments where I was clutching the sides of the porcelain throne
while hurling everything I’d eaten.
When we
found out we were expecting a girl we began brainstorming girl names. The name
we had originally thought we were going to use didn’t seem to fit and the only
name that stuck out to us was Hazel Joy. We chose the middle name Joy because
of the light and happiness she brought to us from the very beginning. Hazel Joy
will always hold a very special place in our hearts. Our hearts are broken, but we are taking comfort in the love we were able to give her during her short stay with us.
Thank You From The Bottom Of Our Hearts
I know i dont know you, but someone on my facebook had commented and the title of your post intrigued me. Tears started flowing as i read your post. Just found out on thursday i miscarried and was due dec. 30th. Such similar stories and everything in your post is exactky how i am feeling. I am not scheduled for my d&c till tuesday but i want to thank you for reminding me to not focus on the odd feeling of carrying a child that i know is no longer living, but insead focus on loving the rest of the time i have to do so. I am so sorry for your loss, its a hard thing to process!
ReplyDeleteHi Sydney, thank you for your comment. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Our due dates were just one day apart. I hope you are able to find some peace and that the remaining two days you have with your child are filled with love and comfort. We may not know each other, but I am sending you love and prayers- from one angel mom to another. I wish things had turned out differently for the both of us. <3
DeleteLauren, I ache for you and the pain you feel. I am so sorry. It doesn't seem fair for me to have healthy kids to enjoy and other amazing people who try and love and are so good do not. I do not have all the answers, but I am reminded again of the quote by Elder Wirthlin: "One day our tears of sorrow will be rewarded 100 fold with tears of rejoicing." I am so sorry for your loss(es). You are an amazing person, and you are an example to so many.
ReplyDeleteHi Ariel, thank you for your comment. I am so happy that you have healthy kids that you love and cherish! You are an incredible person and an incredible mother. I have struggled with feeling that this trial has been unfair, but we all face things that don't seem to make sense and feel unfair. In my rational moments I remind myself that one day this will all make sense. I really like that quote-thank you for sharing. <3
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DeleteLauren, I feel like I should tell you that although this post brings devastating news, and my heart breaks for you, I still found joy in learning little Hazel's gender and thinking how cute the names Hunter and Hazel are together. I smile as I think of the two of them together, a sweet little brother and sister pair. While I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing, I pray that you can find moments and thoughts of joy in increasing amounts each day until your entire family is all together again someday. I am so grateful that families are forver.
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