Hunter Keith Madsen

            This will probably be the most difficult post to write. Part of me wants to keep these memories all to myself. They are so special and dear to my heart, but there is a bigger part of me that knows Hunter’s story is meant to be shared. His short life has forever changed me.

            Friday was a beautiful fall day. I had looked forward to this day. My older sister, Jen, had just arrived from California to visit. My other two older sisters, Bev and Sarah, were also coming to visit later that day. I was also looking forward to receiving a visit from two of my best girl friends, Lindsay and Noelle. My day did not go as planned.

            Jen and Lindsay were with me when I came out of the bathroom and said, “I think I’m having the baby.” They quickly rushed me to the hospital. I called Nate and told him to meet us there. They got me up into labor and delivery and did an ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed that our little fighter’s heart had stopped beating. My heart broke. How could this be? On Wednesday our baby had a strong heart beat. He had wiggled around and waved his little hand. Maybe he knew his time was short and this had been his goodbye.

            I cried and held onto Nate. It was all over. All of my hopes and dreams were shattered in an instant. My baby was gone. His heart had stopped. I longed to hear the quick beating of his little heart.

My doctor arrived and told us he was sorry for our loss. He too had lost a baby and had felt the heart break. I would never wish the loss of a child on anyone, but his willingness to share his experience with us comforted me. We were not alone.

I was given pills to induce me and within half an hour I was having strong contractions. My nurse, Toni, came in frequently to check on my progress. It was expected that I would not deliver until late that night or early Saturday morning. Of course, Hunter took everyone by surprise by showing up only two hours after I had been induced. Toni delivered our baby at 7:53 pm on October 10^th. She asked Nate if he would like to cut the umbilical cord. He nodded and took the scissors from her hand. I asked her if our baby was a girl or a boy. She smiled and let us know we had a beautiful baby boy. She wrapped him up and laid him on my chest.

He was perfect. I looked at his sweet face and cried. We had a son. Since I was only 18 weeks along, he was tiny. His whole body could fit in my hand. His hands and feet were so small. Just one on my fingertips was the size of his whole hand. I touched his small hands and feet and kissed his little face. His face was so beautiful. Nate said he had my nose and I said he had Nate’s ears. He definitely had my long finger toes.

We decided to stick with the boy name we had chosen, Hunter Keith. Keith is Nate’s middle name and his maternal grandpa’s name. I whispered, “I love you, Hunter” over and over again as I nestled my nose against the blanket he was wrapped in. I couldn’t get over how beautiful he was. How was I supposed to let him go?

Another nurse, by the name of Jill, came in and talked with us. She was part of the bereavement group. She took Hunter from us to get molds of his hands and feet. When she brought him back, he was wrapped in a little blue and white blanket. She gave us a little memory box and brought in a birth certificate with his hand and foot prints. She told us we could hold him for as long as we wanted.  

We snuggled our little Hunter for hours and hours. We covered him in kisses and love. I didn’t want to fall asleep because I wanted to spend every second I had with our boy.  I wanted to memorize all of his precious features. He was so beautiful. How did Nate and I make something so perfect?

 I have never seen Nate more handsome then when he was holding his son. He held Hunter so gently and rocked him back and forth. He kept his eyes locked on Hunter’s face, but would look up occasionally to tell me that we had a beautiful son. Then he could lay Hunter on my chest and come lay next to me. I married a good man. He is such an incredible father.

All of my sisters were able to come in and meet Hunter. They took turns holding him and they talked about how cute he was. They said he had definitely gotten my toes. They were very proud aunties.

My night nurse, Bonnie, was amazing! She had lost a baby at five months and her eyes filled with tears when she told me about her child. She hadn’t been able to have the privilege of holding her baby the way we were able to hold Hunter. I asked her if she would like to hold him and she nodded. She cried as she took him from my arms. She rocked him and told us he was beautiful. Bonnie held him while Nate helped me in the shower and then thanked us for letting her hold our sweet baby. She then put him back in my arms and left us to be alone with our son.

At around 2 a.m. the nurse came in and said we could keep holding him, but she really wanted me to get some sleep. She gave us a few more minutes and I cried when she came back to get him. I held Hunter tight and told him I loved him. I kissed his face and touched his little hands. I reluctantly let him go. I sobbed and held on to the blue baby blanket they had left with me. I held the blanket in my arms like he was still in it. I felt like someone had ripped out my heart. I had never felt such unbearable grief. I wanted to die right then. I wanted this pain to be taken away.

 I stayed awake until 6 a.m. crying. I finally fell asleep for a couple of hours, but woke up and asked the nurse to bring Hunter back in after I ate a little breakfast. Nate and I spent the next several hours holding Hunter and enjoying our time with him. My heart broke again when I had to let him go.

I cannot tell you the kind of pain I feel knowing that I won’t be able to see Hunter grow up. I won’t know the sound of his laugh. I won’t be able to hear his voice. I won’t be able to comfort him when he cries. I won’t know the color of his eyes or if he would have had Nate’s smile or mine. It kills me to know that I will not be able to have these experiences with him in this life, but I’ll tell you what I do know.

I know Hunter. I feel him. He lives in my heart. He is kind and good. He has the sweetest spirit. I know that he feels my love and I can feel his. He comforts me when I am crying and I can feel his desire for me to be happy. He wants Nate and I to keep living our lives. He does not want us to live in sadness and grief. He wants Nate and I to help others that are going to go through what we have just been through, just as nurses and doctors that have been in our shoes helped us.

Hunter loves Heaven and he is happy. He is with our other baby that we lost at 10 weeks and he is with our family that has already passed on. He is sad that he can’t be with us here on earth, but he will never truly leave us. He wants me to be a good person and to love Christ with all of my heart. He wants me to remember that families are forever and that we will be together again someday. I cannot wait for that day.

I will be a better person because of Hunter. His short life has taught me so much. I am not the same person I was. I will spend every day trying to be the best person I can be so that when my life comes to an end and I meet Hunter, he will hug me and tell me that he is proud to have a mother like me.

 I wish things didn’t have to end this way. I wish we had beaten the odds and had a healthy baby. I wish that we didn’t have to bury our little Hunter this next week. I know I am going to cry and hurt for a long time, but I am happy because I got my miracle baby. He did beat the odds. We got three extra weeks together and I loved my little Hunter with all of my heart and soul.

I have an angel baby watching over me. He is perfect and he is beautiful. His loves surrounds me and fills me. I feel his warmth and I know that I will never have a day when he is not with me. He will live in my heart for as long as I live. Hunter Keith Madsen has been such a blessing to our families and I am so blessed to be his mommy.  My arms may be empty, but my heart is full.

"The Lord takes away many, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again." ~ Joseph Smith