Lessons I Am Learning

The past week and a half has been hard. It has been filled with uncertainty, pain, and confusion. When we were told we were going to lose our baby last Monday, we texted and called our family and close friends to tell them the sad news. Their hearts broke for us and they mourned with us. My phone exploded with kind messages. People offered to help us in any way possible. I was overwhelmed by the amount of love we felt. We kept asking for people to pray for us. There was little else to be done.

As I lay in bed on Tuesday morning, before our appointment, I told Nate that I felt at peace with everything. I knew it was because of our prayers and the prayers of others. I was broken inside, but I felt strength to accept this trial. I knew Heavenly Father would never give me a trial that I could not overcome. There was a lesson to be learned. My heart cried out to my Father in Heaven to help me understand. Why was this happening to us? What was I supposed to learn? Was I not compassionate enough? Was I not grateful enough? Was I not ready to be a mother? While I have not come to a full understanding of this trial, I have already learned a great deal.

I am not compassionate enough. People around me face difficult trials and I have stood by and watched. My heart often ached for them. I let them know I was there for them, but that was all. I would take over the occasional dinner to help out and I felt like my work was done. How wrong I was. I cannot tell you the kind of compassion that has been shown to Nate and I this past week. Friends I have not seen or talked to in months have shown up on my doorstep bearing treats and kind words. Close friends have brought over meals, flowers, books, and magazines. They have sat with me for hours, talking and listening. There has not been a day when I have felt alone or friendless.

Family members call and message me on a daily basis to make sure the baby is doing well and that I am in good spirits. My mom drove through the night and took a week off of work to care for her unborn grandchild and I. When my mom had to leave, my mother-in-law came. These women are angels. They have made sure our house is clean, our laundry is done, meals are on the table, and that I am not lifting a finger. Nate has helped in their efforts when he is not working. I have been unable to work, which leaves Nate the sole provider of our family. He is now working two jobs to provide for us. He does not complain or whine about his busy schedule. He comes home exhausted, but smiling. He snuggles up to me on the couch and asks how both of his babies are doing. All of these people have shown me what it means to have compassion and to serve selflessly.

I am not grateful enough. I take things and people for granted. I had taken this pregnancy for granted. I am grateful for all I have been blessed with, but I don’t always show it or express it. When we were told our baby was dying, I wanted nothing more then for our baby to live. It is a miracle that our baby is still alive and doing well. Each day has been a gift. I treasure the moments when we get to hear or see our baby’s heartbeat. We still do not know if we will ever have the chance to bring our baby home, but if we do, I vow to treasure everyday. I will love every midnight feeding and every poopy diaper. I will smile when our baby spits up on my favorite blouse. I will not take this precious life for granted.

I was not ready to be a mother. Mothers are selfless. I constantly thought about all of the things I would soon be giving up. Though I don’t like to admit it, I may have been a little resentful. Yes, I wanted a baby, but no, I did not want to make sacrifices. I was not looking forward to future date nights being “ruined” by a grumpy baby. I was not looking forward to skipping out early on parties to make sure the baby was in bed by the right time. I was not looking forward to sleepless nights, messy hair, saggy skin, bloodshot eyes, and all of the other things that mothers endure. I did not realize how unimportant all of these things were until it was all about to be taken away. I would take it all for the chance to hold our baby. Things that were once so important to me faded away. I am learning what it means to be a mother.

Life is full of trials and lessons. Some are big and some are small. It is true that God works in mysterious ways. Heavenly Father has a plan for my life. I don’t always like it and I don’t always understand it. At times it would be easier if He took the plan that I have for my life into consideration. I am still not sure why Nate and I have to go through this, however, I am so grateful for the lessons I am learning.