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Missing Hunter


It has been three weeks since Hunter Keith Madsen was born. I miss and love him more with each passing day. I did not have the privilege of carrying Hunter full term and I’m sure that some may argue that means I cannot love him as much as a mother that carries her child full term. I cannot imagine that to be true. Yes, it is true that I did not spend the full forty weeks awaiting his arrival. I did not have his nursery fully prepared. I did not have a closet full of outfits for him, but from the moment I got a positive pregnancy test, I was in love. When the nurse placed him in my arms, I felt a new kind of love. It was stronger and purer then any love I had ever felt before. Words are incapable of describing the strength of the love I felt.
I miss my little Hunter so much. I miss my growing belly and the occasional kick that let me know he was still in there fighting. There have been several times the past few weeks when I have thought I felt something like a small kick and my hand flies to my stomach before I remember that he’s not there anymore. I know I will see him again one day, but that day feels so incredibly far away.
Everyday I spend most of my time thinking about Hunter. I wonder what life is like for him now. I’m sure he is busy doing all of the wonderful things that angels do. I thought as more time passed I would feel his presence less and less, but I continue to feel him with me. This has been a great comfort to me. When I was pregnant with Hunter, I used to talk to him. I would tell him I love him and that I couldn’t wait to meet him. When it became obvious that my pregnancy was in danger, I began talking to him more often. I would beg for him to fight to live and tell him I didn’t think I could make it without him. Now that he is gone, I still talk to him. I tell him I miss him and that I wish I could have seen him grow up.
I am sorry if this post is depressing. I really do try to stay strong and positive, but today has been a hard day. It is days like this that make me so grateful for the atonement of Christ. Christ not only atoned for our sins, but He felt every single pain each of us would ever feel on this earth. He has felt my pain and because of Him, I will see my sweet Hunter again. 

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