He Wasn't "Just A Miscarriage"

“How many children do you have (if any)?” I stared at the questionnaire as Nate wrote, “none.” We glanced sadly at each other before finishing the remainder of the form. How are we supposed to answer that? I had never realized how many times we are asked if we have children until the last month and a half. Just last week I had three people come into the office where I work and ask if I had kids. Each time I hesitated before saying, “no”. Guilt overwhelmed me as that single, awful word came out of my mouth. I think of my little boy and want to tell those who ask if I have any children about Hunter, but how do I talk about him without making them feel uncomfortable? If I told them, they would feel sorry for me and pity me. I don’t want to be pitied. I want to be able to talk about my son without making people uncomfortable.

It is hard to know what to say to people in Nate’s and my situation, which is usually why I avoid answering “yes” to the question “do you have children?” I work at a property management company and during my first week back to work a tenant came in and asked why I had been gone for so long. She seemed genuinely concerned and interested and we have always enjoyed chatting since she began renting through the company. I felt comfortable letting her know that I had been pregnant but had given birth at eighteen and a half weeks. She responded with the usual, “oh my gosh, that is so hard. I am so sorry for your loss.” I began thanking her for her kindness when she said, “did he look like a baby or did he come out in pieces since it was just a miscarriage?” I stopped talking and sat there shocked. I felt my eyes begin to burn and a knot formed in my throat. I took a second to try to pull myself together and began trying to think of a way to respond when she continued, “thank goodness it happened sooner rather then later. That could have been really hard.”

Yes, I had “just a miscarriage” and maybe it would have been harder if I had been farther along. I don’t know. All I know is that I was eighteen and a half weeks pregnant and I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy in the world and it was completely heartbreaking to know he was gone before he even arrived. To me Hunter is so much more then “just a miscarriage”. He is my son and I would have given my life for him. If there is one thing my two miscarriages have taught me, it is never “just a miscarriage.”

The experience of miscarrying at ten weeks and miscarrying at eighteen was different in many ways. When I miscarried the first time I had to get a D&C since my body was not registering the loss. We didn’t know the gender and few knew that we were even expecting. We had already purchased several items for the baby and Nate’s mom had sent us a package for Baby Madsen. I cried as I placed all of these items in a box and stored them in the crawl space. It was too painful to keep them out. It felt like I was expected to just get over it since I was only ten weeks, but I don’t think I will ever truly get over losing our first baby. Many think it is easier to lose a baby sooner rather then later because “you don’t really know them”. What they don’t understand is not knowing them is the hard part.

I know that most people do not mean to say something hurtful. This is one of those situations where it is hard to know what to say. If you know someone who has lost a baby, before you say anything please remember, whether they lost their baby at four weeks or forty, it hurts. More then anything they want to know their baby mattered and that regardless of how short their life may have been, they existed.

I hope you know that I do not write these posts to get sympathy or pity. I started it as a way to keep friends and family up to date on my pregnancy and now it helps me to put my feelings into words. I have thought about just keeping a personal journal because trust me when I say, it is not easy to write about my pain and post it online. It makes me feel vulnerable and at times I am embarrassed to post how I am feeling. I have never liked expressing my sorrow to anyone other than Nate and I sure as heck never talked about my struggles on social media, until now. I am still unsure why I feel so strongly impressed to keep blogging about the feelings that I would rather keep to myself. I can only hope and pray that there is someone out there that can read my blog and know that they are not alone in their pain and that their baby IS and ALWAYS will be remembered and loved.