Confessions Of An Angel Mom

            I was recently on a panel to answer questions about miscarriages, infertility and my journey in general. I have since had people come up to me as well as message me with other questions, so I decided to write a post about these because I'm sure others have similar questions as well. I really appreciate it when people aren't afraid to ask about what Nate and I have gone through to get a better understanding of our journey and what others may be experiencing. I am more than happy to answer any question I can so please feel free to message me or ask me in person about anything to do with our journey. I have made it a goal to raise awareness about pregnancy loss and I hope that this post helps.

          I think the most frequently asked question that Nate and I get is, "how do you do keep going?" Well, the alternative is dying and that’s not really an option, so we just continue on by taking it one day at a time. I would be lying if I said it was easy to keep going. It is hard to continue trying to live a normal life and keep a smile on my face when I feel like it takes every ounce of strength in me to hold myself together. I have really struggled with depression since we lost Hunter. I don’t think that means that there is something wrong with me or that I am weak. It doesn’t mean I don’t have faith or that I don’t understand the eternal perspective. Nate and I lost our son. We were able to hold our son for one amazing day and then we had to let him go. I got a glimpse of the joy that motherhood offers and then I had to place my son’s beautiful body in a coffin and watch as he was lowered into the earth. He was the baby that Nate and I had prayed for and dreamt of and the one I fell in love with the second I got a positive pregnancy test. Yes, I know without a doubt that I will be with him again, but for now I have to live without him and that is the hardest and most painful thing I have ever had to do.

             Another question I get a lot is, "what should I say to a friend/family member that lost a baby recently?" This is a difficult question to answer because everyone is different. What I want to hear and what someone else wants to hear can be completely different even if we have been through the same thing. There was one lady in particular that really touched me with her response when she heard that Nate and I lost Hunter. She is the receptionist at the doctor's office I go to. She hadn't heard that we lost Hunter until I went in for a check up a few days after he was born. She mentioned that my appointment wasn't for another couple of days and I told her that we had lost Hunter over the weekend and that I was told to come in. Her eyes filled with tears and she walked around the desk and embraced me. She didn't say anything- she just held me as I broke down and cried and she cried with me. She didn't try to tell me that everything was going to be ok or that there was a bigger plan. She let me grieve and she grieved with me. When we finally broke apart she told me how sorry she was and told me how lucky Hunter was to have us and how lucky we were to have him. I personally can't think of a better response then this. There have been so many other people that have done and said things that have helped me so much. I wish I could list them all, but for the sake of time I will give a few pointers.

1.You can't go wrong with a hug.

2.Don't be afraid to cry with them.

3.Talk with them about their child. It helps so much to talk and to have someone listen and try to understand. I am so grateful for the people that have let me cry and vent and just let it all out.

4.Don't EVER try to tell them their loss is not significant or that they should be grateful they experienced their loss when they did! It doesn't matter if they were 4 weeks along or 40, they loved their baby and they lost their child. Validate their feelings and the existence of their child.

5.Make sure you talk to the angel daddy and see how he is doing. He lost his child too and he is in just as much pain.

6.Don't say it is a blessing in disguise because there is something genetically wrong with the baby. I hate it when people tell me I am lucky because I wouldn't want a child with disabilities. I NEVER want one of my children to be in pain, but I will love every child I have unconditionally whether or not they have disabilities.

7.Give them something thoughtful. After I first lost Hunter two of my best friends gave me little angels and I cherish those little angels more then they will ever know. I have received so many thoughtful gifts and each one is either displayed or placed in my memory box for Hunter. Some are homemade and some are store bought. I love them all the same.

Another question I have gotten quite a bit is what Hunter looked like when he was born since he was born at 4½ months. Hunter was one handsome little boy, that’s for sure! I will admit that I was nervous to see him when he was born. I knew he wouldn’t look like a chubby full term baby and that scared me. I can’t believe I was scared because as soon as they placed him in my arms, all I could think was how I couldn’t believe such a cute little boy had grown inside of me! He was 8 inches long and weighed a whopping quarter of a pound. His skin was very thin and as a result it was easily damaged. He was wrapped in a thin plastic sheet because even the blankets were too rough for his delicate skin. He had 10 fingers, 10 toes and the cutest little nails I have ever seen. Once I saw him, I was more amazed than I had ever been at the miracle of life. I was only about halfway through the pregnancy and he was perfectly formed from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. I made a scrapbook filled with pictures of him and I remember being so nervous to share his pictures because I was afraid of what people might say about my beautiful baby boy since he was born so prematurely. The photo I posted below is my favorite picture of my little Hunter because he looks so sweet and peaceful. Very few people have seen this photo because I have wanted to keep this one little photo all to myself.  

There is another question that few have asked, but I’m sure others have wondered. “How has losing three babies affected mine and Nate’s marriage?” Pregnancy loss has definitely changed the dynamics in our marriage, but not in a bad way. We have grown closer and more supportive of one another. I have experienced some frustration because we grieve differently and I thought that meant he was less sad then I was. It wasn’t that I was sadder then he was, we just handled our grief in different ways. I was more open about expressing my sadness and he hid his because he didn’t want to upset me more then I already was. It took time, but we figured out how to share the burden of our loss and in some ways we are still learning.

I’m sorry this is the longest post ever and please forgive me if I completely bored you to death! I hope this helped if you had some unanswered question and like I said before, please feel free to ask me anything that I didn’t answer in this post. Again, thank you for the love and support that we have received from you all. I am constantly overwhelmed with the outpouring of love that Nate and I have received from everyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you! We love you all so much and we couldn't do it without you.