Two Blue Lines

I have had this fantasy about finding out I was pregnant again. I would take a pregnancy test, get two blue lines and then surprise Nate in some cute and creative way. We would be nervous, but incredibly excited. The pregnancy would go smoothly and then we would have a beautiful and healthy baby. I know that having another child will never replace Hunter, but I believe it could help heal our broken hearts and fill our life with joy.

Last Friday I woke up and I felt a flutter of excitement. I had a feeling that I was pregnant. The last time I had that feeling, I found out I was pregnant with Hunter. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but as the day wore on and my period didn’t start I couldn’t help but get more excited. As soon as I got off of work I ran to the store to buy a pregnancy test and a Valentines card for Nate. I knew it was a little early to test, but as soon as I got home I took it. I tried to be calm as I washed my hands. I didn’t peek at the test for a full three minutes! (This is harder then it sounds) I looked at the test and there it was. Two blue lines. (That is a positive test for those of you who haven’t taken a hundred pregnancy tests like I have.)

I checked the test over and over again just to be sure. Was this real life? We weren’t even trying to get pregnant. I didn’t want to get pregnant for several more months. Even though it was unexpected I couldn’t contain my excitement. I was bursting with happiness. I placed my hand on my belly and the empty feeling that I’ve had for the past four months since Hunter passed away vanished. My favorite thing about pregnancy is the fullness and purpose that I feel as I carry a new life. I love that I am never alone because I have my little baby growing inside of me.

I only had thirty minutes until Nate came home so there wasn’t much time to be super crafty. I ended up grabbing the Valentines card that I had just purchased and wrote, “I love you so much baby! I am completely crazy about you and I know our baby will be too. I’M PREGNANT!!!” I slipped it into the envelope and waited anxiously for him to come home. When he walked through the door my heart skipped a beat and I did my best to act nonchalant. I handed him the envelope casually and he smiled as he started reading. He looked confused for a split second and then looked up and said, “WHAT? No way!!!” It was honestly one of the most amazing moments. We hugged each other and he touched my stomach and told our baby how excited we were to meet him or her.

The next couple of days were filled with a rollercoaster of emotions. I was excited at the thought of having a baby, but I also felt guilty for being so excited. In some ways I felt like I was abandoning Hunter. Another part of me was sad because I had to accept that this new baby wasn’t Hunter. I was also terrified to lose this baby. Each night I fell into an uneasy sleep and had nightmares of having a miscarriage. They were vivid and awful. I would wake up in tears and stay awake for hours convincing myself that this pregnancy was meant to be. It had to be. I mean, it happened even though we didn’t mean to get pregnant.

Our excitement was short lived when three short days later my nightmares started becoming reality. I started to spot. I once again found myself on my knees begging and pleading for Heavenly Father to spare my baby’s life. How was it possible for this to be happening again? I was only four and a half weeks, but I was already in love with this new baby growing inside of me. I wanted so much more then four and a half weeks. I wanted a lifetime of happiness and memories. It became obvious that the happy ending we wanted so badly wasn’t going to happen when I woke up cramping and bleeding on Tuesday morning. I walked back to bed and woke Nate up to tell him I was having a miscarriage. We once again found ourselves holding each other and mourning the loss of another child.

I do not know why this had to happen again. I am sad, confused and to be completely honest, I am angry that things aren’t going the way I want them to. This doesn’t seem fair, but I know that this is happening for a reason. I visited my doctor on Wednesday and he scheduled me for a series of tests to try and pinpoint the cause for these losses. I go in for three hours of blood work next Wednesday and hopefully we find out the reason for these miscarriages. If the blood work doesn’t give us answers, then they will continue doing tests until we get the answers that we need in order to have a healthy pregnancy.

 This is a hard journey to be on and I am so grateful for the wonderful support system that Nate and I have. It has been so incredible to feel so much love and support from everyone around us. This is not an easy journey and no one should have to go through it alone. Those who have shared their story with me have immensely blessed my life and I hope and pray that by sharing our story we can touch the lives of others. Please pray for us as we try to find the answers that will help us have a healthy baby because as wonderful as angel babies are, I really hope that we don’t have anymore!