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Why?


Why did this have to happen? Why did we have to lose Hunter? Why was everything going wonderfully and then change? Why couldn’t my body carry my child the way it was supposed to? Why did Heavenly Father give us this trial? Why?
My days are filled with thoughts of “why”. I was told this was a fluke and there wasn’t anything I did to cause this, but I can’t help but feel responsible for Hunter’s death. I think many women who have lost a child have thought the same thing. “This is my fault and my baby died because of me.” Everyday I go through my pregnancy and try to pinpoint what I did to cause this. Maybe it was because I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin that one-day when I was late for work. Maybe it was because we moved apartments and I spent days cleaning, packing and moving boxes. I only lifted the light boxes, but maybe that was still too much. I wish I could go back and change things just to see if it would make a difference.
There are moments when I hate my body. I feel like I failed as a woman and as a mother. Women are supposed to be able to bear children. This is what our bodies are made for. Why couldn’t my body just do what it was supposed to do and be the safe place it was supposed to be? I was supposed to be the one to protect my child and I failed. I couldn’t do it. I tried to do everything I could to save Hunter. I stayed in bed like I was told. I ate even when I felt sick so that my baby could get the nutrients he needed. I gave up caffeine even before I found out I was pregnant just to be safe. I prayed for a miracle. I begged and pleaded for Heavenly Father to spare my baby. I did everything within my power to save Hunter and it wasn’t enough.
It is hard to understand why this happened. There doesn’t seem to be a reason for why Nate and I lost Hunter. I am young, active, and healthy. I’ve never smoked, done drugs, or even taken a sip of alcohol. I haven’t done anything to increase my chances of pregnancy loss and yet here I am, a mother of two angels. At times I want to yell and scream this isn’t fair. It feels like I am being punished for something, but I don’t know what I did wrong. I have now had a few months to think things through and I have come to this conclusion. This didn’t happen because I’m a bad person. I’m not being punished for some unknown sin. It probably wasn’t anything I did to cause this. Women do way crazier things than moving and they carry full term and have healthy babies. So then what was it?
 We are all given trials in this life. These trials are not meant to break us beyond repair. They are meant to make us stronger. Heavenly Father didn’t let Hunter die because He wanted to hurt me. I will not pretend to know all of the reasons why, but I think that one of the reasons I had this trial was because I need to be closer to my Father in Heaven and my Savior. I know now more then ever that I am loved and that I am not alone. Christ knows my pain. He knows the heartache that comes with leaving the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart. He was with me as I bundled Hunter up in the little blue blanket that I made and then as Nate and I kissed Hunter for the last time. He has comforted me as I have spent the past three months grieving. I once prayed because I felt guilty for not praying. Now I pray because I can’t go a single day without talking to my best friend. It breaks my heart that it took this trial to open my eyes, but I am so grateful that I am finally getting to know my Savior.

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