Losing
Hunter has been the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. There are
moments that I feel nothing but pain. It consumes me and cripples me. The only
thing I can do is lie in bed and cry while holding the blanket that Hunter was
wrapped in at the hospital. I want nothing more then to turn back the clock and
go back. I don’t understand why this had to happen and it makes me angry and
sad. My heart hurts and my arms ache from the emptiness. I want to hold him
again and whisper how much I love him. I want to see his handsome little face
and kiss his little hands and feet. I have already noticed that my memories
with him are fading and becoming less clear. I wish I could somehow remember
every little detail.
I think most parents who have lost a child
fear that their child will be forgotten. I know this is one of my greatest
fears. I want Hunter and our other angel baby to be known as a part of our
family. I want our future children to know they have two older siblings
watching over them. I want to keep their memory alive. In my effort to do so, I
signed Nate and I up for an ornament gift exchange with other bereaved parents.
Bereaved parents around the world sign up for this event and are paired with
other parents who are in a similar situation. They then purchase or make an
ornament in memory of the baby and send it to the family they are paired with. It
doesn’t matter if the loss was early in pregnancy or well after birth. Everyone
who has lost a baby is welcome to participate. I am so excited to be part of
this and I hope to make this a tradition. (If there is anyone interested in
participating, here is the link to sign up. http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/uncategorized/9th-annual-ornament-exchange/
)
Being so far away from Hunter’s
grave is hard. I want to go visit him everyday, but obviously that isn’t
possible. Instead I have made a little memorial in the tiny hallway of our
apartment. I found a beautiful little table and it now holds sweet reminders of
Hunter. I plan on decorating it for holidays and his birthday. While it may
seem like a strange thing to have, it has helped me begin to heal. This is my
way of making sure Hunter is always remembered. I just bought something new to
add to the table and tonight I decorated it for Thanksgiving. I also hung a
picture of Christ holding a young child above it. It reminds me that Hunter is in
a much better place.
I also got up the courage to put a
memory box in the living room with a few little keepsakes. I had been nervous
to do this because of people coming over that don’t know what happened. Would
they ask me about it? What would I tell them? What if I started crying in front
of them? I finally realized that people may or may not ask me. If they do ask
me, I will tell them the truth. If I start crying, well then I hope they have
tissues.
Hunter is and always will be a huge
part of my life. So will our first baby. I wish I had been able to hold our
first baby the way I was able to hold Hunter and I wish we had been able to
name him or her. I am so grateful that I was blessed to have had so much time
with Hunter. It is hard not having that kind of closure with our first baby. In
many ways I think it was harder the first time because there was no closure. One
thing is for sure; regardless of the amount of time I carried each of my
babies, they are MY babies. I love them with every fiber of my being and they
will always be remembered.
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| Those we love don't go away... they walk beside us everyday. Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, missed and very dear.  |
The top shelf has the memory box.
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