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Goodbye Again

Wednesday June 22nd
My heart sank as I watched the ultrasound screen. I could tell something was wrong. When I had a 13-week ultrasound with Hunter, he was flipping around and kicking like crazy. He moved so much it was hard to get a clear photo of him. This time our little girl was completely still. Maybe she was asleep. Please, just let her be asleep. I tried to look for the flicker of her heartbeat, yet I couldn’t see anything. The ultrasound tech got a measurement and she was measuring a little small. I could feel my chest tightening and I could hear the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. I prayed our baby girl would move, but she stayed still.  The ultrasound tech looked at me and softly said she was going to go get the doctor. I knew what that meant and it wasn’t good. The doctor came into the room and confirmed I was having another miscarriage. The room felt like it was spinning. I prayed frantically, begging God to not let this be true. Please just let this be a bad dream. Please let her wake up. Please don’t take her from us. Please, please, please…  
I couldn’t understand how this could be happening. We did genetic testing and everything came back low risk. We had ultrasounds frequently to monitor her progress and everything had been perfect so far. I had been suffering from morning sickness for the past two months and had been happy about it because everyone says that morning sickness is a good sign. I was on progesterone to help prevent miscarriage and I had been so careful about all of my activities because I didn’t want anything to hurt this pregnancy. I wasn’t having any bleeding or cramping and none of this made sense to me. How could this be happening to us again? Everything had been perfect. I had boxes of baby girl clothes from my sister and we had just announced to everyone that I was pregnant. We had done announcement photos and gender reveal photos with one of our close friends and had a blast blowing glitter everywhere. Everything had changed so quickly...

 Fast Forward
           Wednesday marked two weeks since we found out that we lost our baby girl. I carried her for another week before having a D&C after being unable to miscarry naturally. It is a sobering experience to carry a child that you know is no longer thriving. I was anxious to move forward and to begin healing, but I was also trying to cherish this extra time I had carrying the daughter that I would never meet. I wanted to make sure that once this was all over, I would have no regrets. So, I loved her as much as I could with the time we had left. Since the day I found out I was pregnant we knew this could happen at any point. I promised to treasure every moment carrying this sweet child that we were blessed with. I would even treasure the moments where I was clutching the sides of the porcelain throne while hurling everything I’d eaten.
          When we found out we were expecting a girl we began brainstorming girl names. The name we had originally thought we were going to use didn’t seem to fit and the only name that stuck out to us was Hazel Joy. We chose the middle name Joy because of the light and happiness she brought to us from the very beginning. Hazel Joy will always hold a very special place in our hearts. Our hearts are broken, but we are taking comfort in the love we were able to give her during her short stay with us. 

 Thank You From The Bottom Of Our Hearts
  Nate and I would like to thank our incredible friends and family who have helped comfort us during this trial. A big thank you to my mom who dropped everything once again to come stay with us. She never ceases to amaze me with her selfless acts of love. Thank you to my wonderful in-laws who always make sure to show their love and support. Thank you to our amazing friends who came and kept us company, painted my nails, washed our dishes, fed us pizza, and who would have done our laundry, had I not sat in the basket. Thank you to my coworkers who mourned with us and have showered us with love and kindness. Thank you to my doctors who have gone above and beyond to care for me and never give up hope. Thank you to people from church who brought us meals and came to visit. Thank you to everyone that sent flowers and care packages. The biggest thank you goes to my sweetheart, Nate. He can somehow find a way to make me smile on my darkest days. I love him more than words can say and we will make it through, like we always do.

 ***I included some photos that we were excited about sharing as well as some from after we found out I was having a miscarriage. 




We are still finding glitter in random places. haha

The last belly photo I took.
We planted flowers in memory of Hazel <3

Right before surgery

Hazel's memory box. 


Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 9, 2016 at 11:10 PM

    I know i dont know you, but someone on my facebook had commented and the title of your post intrigued me. Tears started flowing as i read your post. Just found out on thursday i miscarried and was due dec. 30th. Such similar stories and everything in your post is exactky how i am feeling. I am not scheduled for my d&c till tuesday but i want to thank you for reminding me to not focus on the odd feeling of carrying a child that i know is no longer living, but insead focus on loving the rest of the time i have to do so. I am so sorry for your loss, its a hard thing to process!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lauren MadsenJuly 10, 2016 at 12:59 PM

      Hi Sydney, thank you for your comment. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Our due dates were just one day apart. I hope you are able to find some peace and that the remaining two days you have with your child are filled with love and comfort. We may not know each other, but I am sending you love and prayers- from one angel mom to another. I wish things had turned out differently for the both of us. <3

      Delete
  2. Ariel July 10, 2016 at 11:44 AM

    Lauren, I ache for you and the pain you feel. I am so sorry. It doesn't seem fair for me to have healthy kids to enjoy and other amazing people who try and love and are so good do not. I do not have all the answers, but I am reminded again of the quote by Elder Wirthlin: "One day our tears of sorrow will be rewarded 100 fold with tears of rejoicing." I am so sorry for your loss(es). You are an amazing person, and you are an example to so many.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lauren MadsenJuly 10, 2016 at 1:12 PM

      Hi Ariel, thank you for your comment. I am so happy that you have healthy kids that you love and cherish! You are an incredible person and an incredible mother. I have struggled with feeling that this trial has been unfair, but we all face things that don't seem to make sense and feel unfair. In my rational moments I remind myself that one day this will all make sense. I really like that quote-thank you for sharing. <3

      Delete
    2. UnknownJuly 10, 2016 at 7:13 PM

      This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. UnknownJuly 10, 2016 at 7:15 PM

      Lauren, I feel like I should tell you that although this post brings devastating news, and my heart breaks for you, I still found joy in learning little Hazel's gender and thinking how cute the names Hunter and Hazel are together. I smile as I think of the two of them together, a sweet little brother and sister pair. While I can't imagine the pain you are experiencing, I pray that you can find moments and thoughts of joy in increasing amounts each day until your entire family is all together again someday. I am so grateful that families are forver.

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