Beautiful Baby Boy

On July 1^st I sat anxiously staring at a pregnancy test. I was a day late, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. The longer I stared at the test, the more my heart sank. Nothing was happening. I was about to throw it in the garbage when a faint line began to appear. I squinted my eyes and looked more closely. Was I imagining things or was there really a second blue line? I held it up closer to the light and sure enough, a second blue line was there. My breath caught in my throat. I was pregnant...

I slowly walked out of the bathroom, still holding the test. I kept looking at it while I walked out to the living room. I put the test behind my back as I walked up to Nate. He looked up at me from his spot on the couch and smiled. I pulled the test from behind my back as a smile crept onto my face. “No way”, he said as he grabbed the test to look. He pulled me close as tears of joys rolled down my face. “We’re going to have a baby”, I whispered.

Over the next several weeks we told family and our close friends. I didn’t want to get too excited since my last pregnancy had ended in a miscarriage. I thought if I kept from getting too excited, it would hurt less if we lost the baby. If you know me, then you know I’m not very good at containing my excitement. I was ecstatic! I spent my days imagining what our baby would be like. Would our baby be a boy or a girl? What would our baby look like? What kind of personality would he or she have? Would our baby be sassy like me or sweet like Nate? The more I thought about our baby, the more excited I got.

The further I got into the pregnancy the more Nate and I thought our baby was a boy. We began calling him Hunter and Nate talked about how he and Hunter were going to be buds. I told Nate I was so sure our baby was a boy; I thought I should just start buying boy clothes. As soon as Hunter was born, I asked the nurse if we had a boy or girl. I can’t say either one of us were surprised when she told us we had a boy.

Even after we were told our chances of having a healthy baby were slim to none, we continued to plan for healthy and happy baby. I got on pinterest and found cute quilt ideas and my mother-in-law and I began to make a quilt. We called Nate’s sister and asked her to take maternity photos. I spent hours on pinterest looking at nurseries and newborn photos to get ideas. I did not allow myself to think of anything but a positive outcome. I was devastated when we did not get the happy ending we desired.

When you lose a baby, you don’t just grieve over the death of your child. You grieve over the loss of hopes and dreams you once had. Nate and I had imagined a whole life for Hunter. We had so many plans for when he arrived. We had so much love for this little baby that we hadn’t even met. Friends and family told me I would love our baby even more when he arrived. They were right. The moments I had with Hunter were the most beautiful and perfect moments I have ever experienced in my life. I was holding one of Heaven’s newest angels in my arms. Although Hunter’s arrival was heartbreaking, I was so happy to meet our son, even it was too early. He was beautiful. His sweet face mesmerized me. I could have held him forever. 

Nate and I didn't plan on posting pictures of Hunter, but after talking we decided to share a few of our favorites. I hope that no one takes offense to these images and that you do not see them has a morbid reminder of what has happened. Having these photos has been an incredible blessing to us. I look at them every single day and I will treasure them for the rest of my life. I hope you all enjoy these precious photos of our beautiful baby boy. 

Our Perfect Little Boy

The cutest feet I have ever seen!

Mama's Boy <3

Finger Toes