One Day At A Time

Wednesday June 22 nd My heart sank as I watched the ultrasound screen. I could tell something was wrong. When I had a 13-week ultrasound with Hunter, he was flipping around and kicking like crazy. He moved so much it was hard to get a clear photo of him. This time our little girl was completely still. Maybe she was asleep. Please, just let her be asleep. I tried to look for the flicker of her heartbeat, yet I couldn’t see anything. The ultrasound tech got a measurement and she was measuring a little small. I could feel my chest tightening and I could hear the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. I prayed our baby girl would move, but she stayed still.   The ultrasound tech looked at me and softly said she was going to go get the doctor. I knew what that meant and it wasn’t good. The doctor came into the room and confirmed I was having another miscarriage. The room felt like it was spinning. I prayed frantically, begging God to not let this be true. Please just let thi...

                    Yes, it is true! Nate and I are expecting our rainbow baby on December 29, 2016! For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term “rainbow baby”, urban dictionary explains what it is perfectly.   “ A ‘rainbow baby’ is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, still birth, or child loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm (pregnancy/child loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.”             The news that we are expecting again has been bittersweet for us. Nate and I miss Hunter so much and it has been hard ...

          What do you think of when you think of motherhood? I think of a mom snuggling her new baby while breathing in that intoxicating smell of a newborn. I think of waking up in the middle of the night to the cries of a hungry baby. I think of first words, first steps, and first days of school. I think of giggling and sticky messes. I imagine it being exhausting, yet full of joy and love.            When I think of motherhood, I do not imagine a doctor saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't think your baby is going to survive." I never imagined when I got pregnant that the day we welcomed our son into this world was also the day we would say goodbye and that my husband and I would leave the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts. I never would have guessed that the first big baby purchase we would make would be a burial plot and a head stone. Every plan I ever had for when I became a mother didn't happen...

I have been meaning to write a post for the past few weeks, but between starting a new job and life in general, I just haven’t been able to get around to it until now. First off, Nate and I would like to thank everyone that participated in our Love Walk for Hunter’s first birthday. We were both overwhelmed at the amount of people who participated with us and incredibly grateful that we had so many celebrating the life of our son. I can’t tell you how much it means to know that our angel is being remembered and that he is so very loved. I knew Hunter’s birthday was going to be a difficult day. As his birthday drew nearer, my emotions were all over the place. I felt a great deal of sadness that it had already been a year since I first met and held my baby. Nate and I had decided that we would not dwell on all of the time that we did not have with him, but rather celebrate the time that we did have with him and the joy that he brought into our lives. Hunter’s birthday began with mu...

The past two months have been a stressful blur. I have met with two specialists and my doctor here in Rexburg several times and it has been decided that I will be having a partial hysterectomy on September 8th. My doctor will go in and remove the side of the uterus that did not fully develop and the fallopian tube to prevent pregnancy occurring on that side. It should also help with preventing endometriosis in the future. I will then begin treatment to get rid of the remainder of the endometriosis.  Both of our meetings with the specialists were a little discouraging. They both agreed that surrogacy would be the safest option for us. I understand why they are saying that it is the safest option for both me and our future babies, but it is so hard to give up on something that I have literally wanted for as long as I can remember. Nate and I are torn on which direction to go. If we choose to try and get pregnant again, we have to accept that there is greater chance of another los...

            I was recently on a panel to answer questions about miscarriages, infertility and my journey in general. I have since had people come up to me as well as message me with other questions, so I decided to write a post about these because I'm sure others have similar questions as well. I really appreciate it when people aren't afraid to ask about what Nate and I have gone through to get a better understanding of our journey and what others may be experiencing. I am more than happy to answer any question I can so please feel free to message me or ask me in person about anything to do with our journey. I have made it a goal to raise awareness about pregnancy loss and I hope that this post helps.            I think the most frequently asked question that Nate and I get is, "how do you do keep going?" Well, the alternative is dying and that’s not really an option, so we just continue on by...