Surgery Update, And Then Some

The past two months have been a stressful blur. I have met with two specialists and my doctor here in Rexburg several times and it has been decided that I will be having a partial hysterectomy on September 8th. My doctor will go in and remove the side of the uterus that did not fully develop and the fallopian tube to prevent pregnancy occurring on that side. It should also help with preventing endometriosis in the future. I will then begin treatment to get rid of the remainder of the endometriosis. 

Both of our meetings with the specialists were a little discouraging. They both agreed that surrogacy would be the safest option for us. I understand why they are saying that it is the safest option for both me and our future babies, but it is so hard to give up on something that I have literally wanted for as long as I can remember. Nate and I are torn on which direction to go. If we choose to try and get pregnant again, we have to accept that there is greater chance of another loss than there is of having a successful pregnancy. I will most likely have to stop working and go on bed rest for the majority of the pregnancy. I will have my normal OB/GYN, a maternal fetal specialist and a neonatologist, depending on how early our baby is born. Even with taking all of these precautions, there is no guarantee that we will come home with a baby. I don't think there is any way to prepare myself for losing another child.

Every discussion Nate and I have about whether or not to try again, I end up on a big puddle of tears. I want to have a healthy baby so badly, but the chances are slim and I wonder if trying again would be a wise decision.  Will I ever be able to forgive myself if we bring a child into this world that is underdeveloped and is only kept alive by machines and intensive medical care? Do we just cross our fingers that everything works out? I know miracles happen everyday, but I also know that sometimes the miracle that God has for us is different than the miracle that has been prayed for. 

Nate and I have been talking about which direction to take, but we are still undecided on trying to have a baby naturally again. I can't imagine going through the kind of grief that we have experienced with Hunter again. It has almost been a year since we lost him and it is a constant struggle to choose happiness over grief. I know that having another baby will never replace him or fill the emptiness that I feel over losing him, but another child could bring so much happiness into our lives. After three losses, we are so ready for a super healthy, super chubby baby! 

As always, we are so grateful for the love and support from all of our friends and family members, as well as the doctors and nurses helping with our case. We send our love to you all and thank you again for the outpouring of love and friendship.