Skip to main content

My Baby Is In The Stars


This has been a day that I have been looking forward to and dreading at the same time. This is the day that the baby boy who was supposed to be my baby boy’s best friend was born. At around 6:30 this morning Nate got a call from our friend Marcus. He let us know that his wife, Rhiannon, was in the hospital and that she would be delivering soon. Rhiannon is one of my best friends and was due almost exactly a month before me. We were pregnant buddies. We talked about morning sickness and told each other when we felt our babies move. She found out she was having a boy a few weeks before our gender check. We joked around that if Nate and I had a girl, they would get married one day and if we had a boy, they would be best friends like us. Our other best friend, Hannah, began planning our double baby shower before we lost Hunter. After Hunter passed away I was so excited for Marcus and Rhiannon, but I was so sad that we didn’t have the happy ending that they were going to have.
 After we received the call that she was about to have the baby, I was filled with excitement at the thought of a new life coming into this world. I was also scared because this was going to be the day I would be going back to the hospital where I had Hunter. I felt my eyes begin to prickle and it got hard to breath as I thought about returning to the hospital. I couldn’t stop thinking about my little Hunter over the next couple of hours. I imagined what life would be like if he had lived. I imagined what he would look like right now.
As my imagination ran wild and tears were fighting to make their way out, a bunch of lights caught my eye.  I walked towards them and as I got closer my heart began to beat faster. The sun was streaming through our bedroom window onto the table that I had put together for Hunter. The light was reflecting hundreds of bright little stars all over the walls. I walked in front of the table and the stars covered me from head to toe and I was filled with love. Hunter was with me. My amazing little boy knew that today was going to be a bittersweet day and he was letting me know that he would be with me.
You can call this coincidence, but I know it was so much more. Whenever I see the night sky full of billions of stars, I think about my little angel in Heaven. I feel him close when I look at the stars. I don’t know what it is about the stars that make him feel so near, but they do. He knew exactly what I needed today. I needed stars. I needed to know that he wasn’t really gone. He found a way to show me that he was with me and that he loves me. He gave me the strength I needed to go to the hospital and to hold a handsome and healthy newborn and feel nothing but love as I looked at his beautiful face. I may not get to hold my baby in my arms and snuggle him the way I want to, but my baby can give me stars. 

My beautiful stars <3

Welcome to the family Weston!!!! <3

Comments

  1. UnknownFebruary 9, 2015 at 2:36 PM

    Oh Lauren, it is impossible to read this without crying. My heart feels so deeply for you. I just know that your little angel loves his mom so much and he is never far from you. Families are forever and although you can't snuggle with him the way you want to, he is so very near you. What a tender mercy. I love you <3

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Goodbye Again

Wednesday June 22 nd My heart sank as I watched the ultrasound screen. I could tell something was wrong. When I had a 13-week ultrasound with Hunter, he was flipping around and kicking like crazy. He moved so much it was hard to get a clear photo of him. This time our little girl was completely still. Maybe she was asleep. Please, just let her be asleep. I tried to look for the flicker of her heartbeat, yet I couldn’t see anything. The ultrasound tech got a measurement and she was measuring a little small. I could feel my chest tightening and I could hear the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. I prayed our baby girl would move, but she stayed still.   The ultrasound tech looked at me and softly said she was going to go get the doctor. I knew what that meant and it wasn’t good. The doctor came into the room and confirmed I was having another miscarriage. The room felt like it was spinning. I prayed frantically, begging God to not let this be true. Please just let thi...
6 comments
Read more

The Grieving Mother

You see me and I smile. You ask me how I am and I put on a brave face and tell you I am well, even if I’m not. A part of me wishes that I could show you a glimpse of the pain and love I feel, just so you could understand why I will never “get over it”. You would see memories that I play and replay, forever wondering if there was something I could have done to change the outcome-If there was something I could have done to save the lives of my children. If you could have a moment in my shoes, you would feel the aching of my empty arms and the overwhelming sorrow that I feel everyday, being the mom to four angels. If I could give you a peek into my life, you would feel the pain and disbelief as I remember the day I found out I was having a miscarriage for the first time. You would see my second pregnancy come to a devastating end at nineteen weeks and the day I gently placed my son in a casket, kissed his head and slowly closed the lid, knowing that was the last time I would see his ...
3 comments
Read more

Our "Matching" Story

           We are MATCHED!!! The adoption process so far has been such an incredible experience for Nate and I. A lot of people have been asking me how everything happened, so I thought it would be fun to tell the story of how we got matched. Just in case anyone isn't familiar with the term "matched" this means that we have been chosen by an expectant mother to become the adoptive parents of her child. It is a very exciting step! :) Also, out of respect for the expectant mother's privacy, we will not be giving any identifying information, so please don't be offended if you ask us a question and we choose not to answer. The best Christmas gift I could have ever dreamed of.         About a month a half ago, we received a message from an expectant mother. We had already spoken with a few other expectant mothers and while they were all amazing, something felt dif...
3 comments
Read more