Life On My Couch

           Everyday as I sit on my couch, I look outside my window and long to be outside. I miss the routine of my daily life. I miss walking my dogs and taking them out to the field by our house to play fetch. I miss going on evening bike rides to a perfect spot to watch the sunset. I miss the hustle and bustle of my normal workday. I miss cooking dinner for Nate and I. I miss doing our laundry and cleaning our house. I miss making plans with friends to go on hikes or out to a new restaurant. I miss going out jogging and working out at the gym with Nate. I miss being able to walk outside my door and feel the cool autumn air on my skin.

            My day now consists of lying on a couch, watching Netflix, reading books, visiting with friends, lots of puppy snuggles, and being waited on hand and foot. While I am physically capable of doing daily tasks, I have been given strict orders to lie on a bed or couch and to only get up to use the restroom. I went from being a very active person to barely moving all day long. It is easy to throw a pity party for myself, but then I feel my growing stomach and I remember I have a miracle growing inside of me. My baby was given a 0% chance of survival last Monday. A week later, my baby is still alive.

            This is why I sit all day and stare at the world from my window. This is why others are doing my laundry, cooking my dinner, cleaning my house, walking my dogs, and doing my job. It is so I can have a chance to hold my baby and kiss his/her button nose. It is so I can sooth our sweet baby when he/she cries in the middle of the night. It is so I can hear the sound of a giggle escape from our baby's perfect red lips. It is so I can have a chance to see a smile spread across his/her face. It is so I can sneak into the nursery at night while my baby sleeps, just to make sure I can see his/her chest slowly rising and falling.

It is because Nate and I spent a year a half praying for the chance to start a family. Month after month, I would look sadly at the single pink line on a home pregnancy test and shake my head at Nate. When a second pink line finally appeared, we had already fallen in love with our little one. There was nothing in the world we wanted more. There is nothing I wouldn’t give up for the sweet child growing within me. So for now I will gladly sit on my couch watch Netflix, read books, snuggle my puppies, and watch the world from my window.