One Day At A Time

With the recent loss of our little girl and Hunter's second birthday coming up, I have spent a lot of time thinking of the babies we have lost and how much I miss and love them. As silly as it seems, one day I was sitting on my couch writing and words began flowing. I am not a poet, but I ended up writing a poem. It has taken me months to finally have the courage to share this, but I feel like now is the right time to share. A mother's love is one of the most powerful and pure forms of love. It is beautiful how much a mother can love, even if she only carries her child for a matter of weeks. The length of a pregnancy is not an accurate way of measuring the strength or depth of a mother's love. The grief I feel from the loss of my children is evidence that I loved, and that I loved deeply. Grief is not weakness and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Losing a child is a heartbreak that words cannot adequately express and it's not something that one can just "move on...

      Hello Friends, Family, and all those who have so genuinely opened their hearts to us!         First off, let me thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the love and support you have so freely offered! We have started the adoption process and things are going so much better than we ever thought possible. In an effort to expedite our ability to cover the things that will need to be covered, we have agreed to allow our friends to sponsor a benefit dinner and auction on our behalf.           Here's the lowdown; They have titled it "Madsen’s Adoption Auction".        Our event will be held on Saturday, September 10 th from 6:30-8 p.m. at the Rexburg Flight Museum, so please save the date.  (Special thanks to John Bagley and Glenn Embree for making this location possible.)        If you're up for some friendly competition, you ...

          I still can’t even believe everything that has happened over the past week! Nate and I walked into an adoption agency a week ago and began the process to become adoptive parents! We are so excited and we are already in love with the little one that is meant to be in our family. Some of you may be wondering how we have come to this decision so quickly, but to be honest with you, this is something Nate and I have planned on doing since before we were even married. When Nate and I were dating and discussing what we wanted for our future, I told him I wanted to adopt. He eagerly jumped on board and that was the very first step to get to where we are.            When Nate and I talked about adoption, we always thought it was something in the distant future. We would own a house and Nate would be in his career. We planned on having a couple of biological children first and then we would begin adopting. Thi...

Wednesday June 22 nd My heart sank as I watched the ultrasound screen. I could tell something was wrong. When I had a 13-week ultrasound with Hunter, he was flipping around and kicking like crazy. He moved so much it was hard to get a clear photo of him. This time our little girl was completely still. Maybe she was asleep. Please, just let her be asleep. I tried to look for the flicker of her heartbeat, yet I couldn’t see anything. The ultrasound tech got a measurement and she was measuring a little small. I could feel my chest tightening and I could hear the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. I prayed our baby girl would move, but she stayed still.   The ultrasound tech looked at me and softly said she was going to go get the doctor. I knew what that meant and it wasn’t good. The doctor came into the room and confirmed I was having another miscarriage. The room felt like it was spinning. I prayed frantically, begging God to not let this be true. Please just let thi...

                    Yes, it is true! Nate and I are expecting our rainbow baby on December 29, 2016! For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term “rainbow baby”, urban dictionary explains what it is perfectly.   “ A ‘rainbow baby’ is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, still birth, or child loss. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison. The storm (pregnancy/child loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.”             The news that we are expecting again has been bittersweet for us. Nate and I miss Hunter so much and it has been hard ...

          What do you think of when you think of motherhood? I think of a mom snuggling her new baby while breathing in that intoxicating smell of a newborn. I think of waking up in the middle of the night to the cries of a hungry baby. I think of first words, first steps, and first days of school. I think of giggling and sticky messes. I imagine it being exhausting, yet full of joy and love.            When I think of motherhood, I do not imagine a doctor saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't think your baby is going to survive." I never imagined when I got pregnant that the day we welcomed our son into this world was also the day we would say goodbye and that my husband and I would leave the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts. I never would have guessed that the first big baby purchase we would make would be a burial plot and a head stone. Every plan I ever had for when I became a mother didn't happen...

I have been meaning to write a post for the past few weeks, but between starting a new job and life in general, I just haven’t been able to get around to it until now. First off, Nate and I would like to thank everyone that participated in our Love Walk for Hunter’s first birthday. We were both overwhelmed at the amount of people who participated with us and incredibly grateful that we had so many celebrating the life of our son. I can’t tell you how much it means to know that our angel is being remembered and that he is so very loved. I knew Hunter’s birthday was going to be a difficult day. As his birthday drew nearer, my emotions were all over the place. I felt a great deal of sadness that it had already been a year since I first met and held my baby. Nate and I had decided that we would not dwell on all of the time that we did not have with him, but rather celebrate the time that we did have with him and the joy that he brought into our lives. Hunter’s birthday began with mu...